So. After an hours of thinking. I finally realize. This isn't jealousy, its not even something lame called 'love'. Its about how I hate him so much. Jujur saya menikmati setiap tangisannya untuk saya, I like that. Rasanya seperti, "Nah.. Ini lho rasanya. Rasakan?". I just simply don't want him to be happy. Period.
But that'd be wrong.
I kept this in my mind, for years. About how I want to ruin his life. A revenge. But then I was thinking "If I hate him so much. Why bother still kept him in my thought?"
A couple days ago, when I was in Thailand. I remembered the road we've walked through, the beach, the seven eleven store, this thought slipped through my mind real fast. So I've decided to bring him something. As for now, right at this time, me writing this and starring at the things I bought for him, seriously I feel like an idiot. Haha! What the fuck am I doing?
But it is? Maybe its just a disappointment. My dissapointment. That now i know there wont any even one good reason to stay. All the good reason were gone. Of course he never change. At all. So I said, thanks for the five years of shit. Really taught me how to behave. I have made up my mind. I really should letting go this anger, this disappointments, this hopes and useless dreams.
Lets just live for today and tomorrow and after. No more anguish. That's it.
It's because I like you, I don't want to be with you. It's a complicated emotion. –Marlin (Finding Nemo)